Conversations with Sheilah

Only she, knew the rampage that could be caused in her mind by her anger. You see,when someone made her angry, she was not just angry at the person, she was also angry at herself. For allowing herself to get angry, for being late that morning, for being too nice, for texting Oliver last week, Oliver whom she thought was different from the others. She can't remember how she became so angry. For allowing things to happen to her, for being the victim, the one who needs pity, attention, love, and Oliver to text her back. This anger, it caused torrents of tears down her cheeks, it caused a whirlwind of chaos that her little troubled head that was too small to contain it. Anger....it had now become a familiar feeling. One that took root and never left. They called her auntie Zola. Such a befitting name for an auntie. Only she didn't feel like one because she didn't think she matched up to the standards of an auntie yet.Aunts are for birthdays, for good time stories and somet...

I just botched a painting job. I think I did, coz the colour is not even and I already went over it like 10 times. First of all, I don’t know who paints at night but I call it dedication….now I’m sitting here staring at the wall trying to make my eyes like it…It’s kinda growing on me but the curtains definitely have to go….to think I changed the colour of the wall to match the curtains….pity. Anyway, I hope it looks better with natural lighting.  Of everything DIY I thought painting should be the easiest, I was wrong. Tomorrow I will have to find a way to clean the edges….and my hands. Whilst I seem to be bent on disapproving my may-be first ever DIY…I was kind of in a mood because of this story I saw on TUKO talks and a not so good paint job seems to be the tug I needed to get it off my mind. It’s really true that getting up on your feet and moving, literally lifts up your mood. So as you might have guessed, the TUKO story was a sad one….with no happy ending at all…..the kind t...

There is a state I am trying to find a word for…. when you feel like you have taken coffee and sleeping pills at the same time and your mind can’t seem to figure out whether you want to sleep or stay awake. That is kind of what I’m feeling right now….after several cups of tea and a long, busy day. Anyway…here we are…still tempted to add some tea because it’s terribly cold but that will be the third cup in two hours….and someone once told me to manage my excesses and I think I took them seriously. It was just one of those passing statements, a bit too blunt for my liking at the time so I just swept it under the carpet….I didn’t want to probe it any further because that would only risk adding more to their rather entitled opinion….but it seems they still got the message across because I am still trying to figure out what they meant.…and I secretly want to go back to that conversation but I doubt they will remember….or if they will relate to it the same way…so ever since…that has been the...

I know! I know ...It’s me again….I know….To the one or two people who I routinely force to read this blog,  and any other person who bumps on it from time to time….I know….this is not what consistency looks like….. I wonder if I’m the only one who makes promises fully convinced that I will actually keep them, then when I don’t, I’m just as surprised as the person I made the promise to. This goes to all the people I have promised to find time and visit or meet but I haven’t…..trust me I wasn’t lying…..or maybe I was…..I just didn’t know about it.  How time flies! This time I will not say I have been thinking about passing through here….I haven’t. In fact, it has been anything…but. For one, because I thought I had more important things to focus on…. not that writing was a distraction, but some events really do force you to try and take yourself a little seriously….or at least appear to be….lol. And one such event led to me disappearing for a while….not that anyone noticed anyway...

Yesterday my laptop went off suddenly in the middle of a movie. I was convinced that’s it because it had started showing signs. Two days prior, I had lost literally everything I have ever saved on here-(what I thought was half my life lol). Turns out I don’t really need any of it because I’m still waiting to feel that ka pain that comes with loosing things .I can’t think of anything important other than the thousand versions of my Cv ,cover letters a myriad of my once late night assignments, some soft copy books…and countless drafts of unfinished ideas. That has been the misfortune of the week. A small one.  So today I decided to try it just one more time before locking it away and forgetting about it like I forget all my problems. Guess what? It worked! I really believe in miracles because I have no explanation for this so I’m just here trying to appreciate this old companion of mine (we really do spend a lot of time together). What better way to do that than to write on it one mo...

  Yes, yes, I know….. It’s me again creeping back onto these blank pages. I haven’t left any prints on here lately but my ink hasn’t run dry yet…it’s just that I have been spending time learning some new words on the internet….like ‘eatvist’or ‘totes’….so there’s that-which is just one among other excuses I could list here….like how I have literally spent sleepless nights thinking of an intelligent retort to this thing someone did the other day. A word of advice guys….if you are ever in a situation where you have the opportunity to be petty, BE PETTY. That bigger person isht is overrated…no one is giving points guys…do you and whatever is good for your soul. Otherwise you’ll spend the nights tossing and turning for some stupid isht that could have been avoided with a few right words at the right time lol….. I wonder what kind of role model I will be to my kids. Seriously though, I’m all about peace and love and good vibes so being the adult that I am, and a good Christian at that…t...

Today must be different because I’m writing this at 3 in the afternoon…you know, when the sun is bright…clear skies……literally no chance at anything to cloud my judgement -does this qualify a pun? .Don’t judge, there’s little to no creativity at this time of the day…I have been trying to write one sentence for a whole 10 minutes and I’m feeling quite humbled at this point….if you don’t know, being HUMBLED is the feeling that makes you want to just sit down, drink water and not say anything for a while. It is kind of the same feeling you get when life throws lemons at you….that brief moment of reflection before you make your lemonade .So here we are…humbled but not defeated…it’s a thin line hehe. The optimist in me tries to avoid using such words, but it is what it is…. Anyway…as usual, how are you? I hope life hasn’t thrown any lemons at you lately…if you haven’t been so lucky then more power to you…It’s only temporary. Lately I have had to remind myself every so often that whatever ...

I seriously don’t get people who leave the head while eating fish -this is a weird combination of words but anyway…you get…..like really, the whole point of eating fish is literally the head…especially eyes….yummm…..Anyways, let’s just say next time I’ll be minding my own plate. So ….that among other stories had me a little peeved this week. Now I really just have to have me some fish as an act of vengeance for all the un eaten fish heads…what a waste! So what’s up? How you doing? Are you longing for some fish head too? Something better maybe? Someone? What are you up to?  It is really true that when you get older, days go by faster, like how is it March already?….I’m starting to cross some things off my bucket list for the year…..like adding some titles to my bio…literally the math isn’t adding up…by the time we find the mans plus the whole nine yard….DRESS…if I may?  SEEMS LIKE AN ETERNITY! On the brighter side though….I’m all for equality so we… (Who haven’t checked this bo...

 I struggle to justify my love for words…I have very few in my vocabulary…..and whenever we are in a conversation and someone says something I didn’t quite catch…chances are…I’ll probably ask….sometimes I will just ask even though I already know…it’s interesting to hear another person’s perspective….especially if it’s an idiom….or a word that I would never naturally use in a sentence…..I will sometimes take a mental note of something said because it sounded goofy, or smart or if it just had an easy flow. I also admire people who use their words with ease....it’s like hey! Can we be friends? CRINGE WORTHY! I have written more cringe worthy things I promise….these same words have a way of coming back to bite me. It’s a toxic relationship…. But one we are not planning to let go….  MORE CRINGE WORTHY? Not enough cringe I guess! Since the goal is to have something written down….we are going to strive for consistency by any means regardless….so here goes the process of finding somet...

 How consistent can consistency get? Whatever that means….Well the paragraphs are getting shorter and shorter….for sure….by the end of  the month I am hoping we will still have a few lines…if not… then at least a title maybe? NO!!  Because we have higher standards than that… don’t we? So like you might have guessed, I am doing a small challenge just to see how regularly I can keep up…it is kind of the premise for today’s episode of  “nothing to say but we are going to try anyway’’……so enjoy!…. A few months ago I watched this movie ‘A cure for wellness’ . For a whole two and a half hours I was fixated on the screen you would think I’m certainly following the story.  Truth is, the title itself was confusing enough and the story, even more so but at the same time, I couldn’t stop watching…these individual scenes were so interesting I figured that I’ll somehow catch up to the story line in slow drifts. It was only when the end credits started running that I real...

It’s Friday and my wine glass should be half empty by now but I’m here because…well I’m here… ‘‘The best promises are the ones you keep to yourself’’.  I heard this sometime this week and it has kind of been the nudging voice whenever I am tempted to take a recourse on my ever growing to- do list .Ok, I’m trying to sound like I have an extra busy schedule lol….My schedule is pretty regular and on my to do,are things like making pancakes for breakfast or soaking my bedsheets so chill… I’m not trying to run the country. And I’m only clarifying this because I’m one of those people who panic a little when someone says they can’t show up for something because they are busy. ‘Busy’ is a word to be taken seriously because it sounds so profound! I imagine they have tons of important things to do and deadlines to keep…and literally every second counts so it is a word that instantly invokes the need to apologise for imposing….and suddenly my own to do-takes a back sit and I very gladly will ...

It’s already February! It has indeed been a minute since I came on here….I was not even sure the link works anymore. Speaking of links, the one goal I have for this blog this year is to create one of those actual websites….I heard it’s in fact possible to learn that on You-tube! Ok, I didn’t hear that, I know it is possible…it is also possible to learn how to whistle. I searched for this…and I found some tutorials….I am not sure what had led me to do that but I remember being a bit disappointed when it didn’t work, so I resorted to learning how to twerk instead…and this I have mastered….Very few people who know me will believe this! Understandably so because, it’s been years of trying lol….too bad I have just never gotten around  knowing how tiktok actually works…( read never bothered  because I think I’m too old 😅)…I would have loved to prove some people wrong…Ok, let’s not get carried away… As usual, I am here by chance… honestly, it might just be because I did some quick m...

T his year is going to end a little early for me….from the energy in the air, it seems most people are just done already…and for obvious reasons. I’m ready for the New Year too, albeit this time round with a lot more appreciation, and better balance between expectations and reality for each passing day….because Covid aside, life in general is very unpredictable. It is also one huge learning curve, with rewards and lessons in equal measure and a lot of special moments. Well, it’s the special moments that we long for…but unpredictable as life is, chasing happiness and fulfilment is like trudging through fog…even with the best laid plans, we can only see so far… because of that, what lies even further….we bank on hope. With this in mind, the intent is to savour every passing moment, and to cherish the people that make them special. To hold them a little closer, to love them a little better, to show them they matter more that they would know….to treasure the little things,…the simple hello...

                         So I’m sitting on my bed, wracking my brains for things to write. Usually, I don’t schedule when I write because I wait to be ‘in the mood’…a habit I am trying to unlearn because I realize that if I am going to achieve some level of consistency, in writing   as in other areas of my life, I have to throw in a schedule....and stick to it. I have made schedules before, many….sticking to them is a totally different struggle. Well, I’m yet to start the unlearning process. Today, I’m riding with the feels….also quite literally.   Most of the time, before I get down to write, an idea strikes when I am in pursuit of something else ...almost like an epiphany of sorts. It reminds me of this other thing….love. You’ll just be going about your business…trying to focus on the woman you’re becoming and it knocks you over…suddenly and without notice…before you know it….you have fallen in love! You will...

So it’s been a while and I thought I should pass by here once more…..with me I bring positive vibes & good energy only…isn’t that what we need? (Whatever that is) Honestly most of us just need loads of money and a little TLC……probably some tea too…for me 😊 . Speaking of tea…I think I am developing a serious tendency to have tea at the slightest convenience. The slimmest hint of cold weather has become a perfect excuse for tea.   If I ever ask you out for coffee, I’ll probably have tea…sometimes, when I’m being a little pretentious, I will make failing attempts at coffee…. Something I usually fix with some tea. Someone left me on read? I’ll undoubtedly mend my heart with a cup of tea… Something nice happened? Let’s celebrate with some tea. The ripple effect of having a visitor for me…. is tea. Most of my visitors however, do not like tea or any hot beverage for that matter….I wonder why? I must say I am usually slightly disappointed, because it’s tea…why not? If you’re ever a v...

One of the major insecurities I have with blogging is coming across as too   self-absorbed or sometimes having the feeling that I have revealed too much about my life…which is why I usually publish immediately I finish writing ( albeit sometimes with a few errors here and there), to avoid giving room for second thoughts. Although the essence of my writing is heartfelt and unfeigned, there is always a fine line and a delicate balance when the story spills over to someone else’s life…something I’m still trying to find my way around. My work is essentially non- fiction so I find it easier to talk about things I   experience every day, and at the same time, find a way to make it somehow relatable. I once attended a poetry event at Nairobi national Museum courtesy of my friend Rakesh of Baiskeli adventures  a nd there was one poet who said that artists are the window through which people can watch their lives….maybe not in those exact words but he had a point. It is impossible...

Spending time alone, quiet and without the distraction of the internet and the world in general, makes you discover two things…one, you know too much about yourself and two…you need a few concrete skills to deal with reality. Well last weekend Kenya Power decided to take a break for at least 60 hours (I counted)…a pretty long time to spend with yourself if you ask me…I had always been fascinated with the idea of living alone…as in without someone to distract you from yourself...I thought about all the freedom and lack of care that comes with that…something I always pictured to be an idyllic experience...mostly because I dislike routine and schedules. You can easily find me finishing assignments at 12 am or cooking dinner at 10pm or 3pm. Well, depending on whatever got most of my attention. When you don’t live alone, you learn to tame that weirdo in you…you are a little bit more grounded and balanced human….you go to bed in good time, make actual meals and sometimes well….stop yoursel...

So one of the perks of shaving hair is the freedom and bliss of standing under a running shower….an obvious one. The other obvious one is saving yourself from the energy and cost of   salon trips and the pain, frustration and anger that comes with braiding hair…especially those dread-lock looking braids that are……well, cute…and a bad idea at the same time. It doesn’t help if you have a streak of impatience within you which comes alive when you sit to get your braids done…much so if you can relate to those kids who scream when they get braided…it’s the same exact feeling but for being an adult, you do not have the same liberty to throw tantrums even though it would be completely justified and so you shove your stupid frustrations down your… (Exactly that)…and pay for it with cold hard cash….and a smile. For a moment you will look at the mirror and feel pleased with yourself for being patient enough to sit through this horrible experience…until it’s time to sleep and it’s a who...

YouTube The reason why YouTube is my first go to place for entertainment is because YouTube videos are fairly short, so you get entertained without needing to dedicate too much time. You can easily take up a ten minute tea break and catch up on something interesting from your favourite you tuber without feeling like you’re stealing working time. These are some of my favourite you tubers hat I actually watch and have been loving so far…In no particular order of preference… 1.         Green calabash/Yummy Mummy – FAMILY& LIFESTYLE If you’re into Family and lifestyle type of videos these channels are definitely for you. The videos are basically about everyday life at home with kids. You might pick few tips and tricks along the way. 2.       Wodemaya/Miss Trudy –TRAVEL VLOGS If you’re feeling patriotic about promoting the image of Africa to the outside world…this is the channel for you…..I would advise that you st...